I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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