Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
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