he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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