Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
