I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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