I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
