Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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