How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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