I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
