My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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