I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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