The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
