Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Randomize
