I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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