I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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