I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
