i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
you made out with another girl for some wings
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
