i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
