dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize