I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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