Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
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i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
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