I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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