508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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