I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize