So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
