I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
