I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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