He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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