my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
