Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
