Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
