WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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