and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Randomize
