guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Randomize
