you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
