when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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