i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
