So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I just gift wrapped bread.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
