i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
