Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
