Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
