Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
