I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
