I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
