Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
high people should be assigned attendants
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
