hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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