It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
