wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
