I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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