R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
