I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
