ya dads aren't the best wingmen
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
