i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
