when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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