jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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