my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
