Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
