She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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