im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize