Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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